High school can truly get in the way of a person’s enjoyment of their teenage years. For teenagers, it is the area of their life that requires the most time, energy and effort. The school experience can weigh heavy on the mind of many teenagers, as it seems to be almost a given that the high school experience is one fraught with angst, conflict, and crises. More and more parents are seeking the aid of mental health services for their teens.

In a study published by Morbidity and Mentality Weekly Report, compared to 2019, trips to the emergency room for mental health services increased by 31% for youth ages 12 to 17 in 2020.

This article will address: 

  • parental expectations 
  • the effects of high-level demands on teens
  • what we can do to help

Much of the stress and anxiety high schoolers face can come from the following areas (though it is not limited to these sources):

  • Academic pressure
  • College admission  
  • Living up to the standards of their parents and peers
  • Covid-19 pandemic induced trauma 
  • Concerns about fitting in
  • Social connections
  • Managing relationships within their family and peer group
  • Substance abuse
  • Pressure to perform athletically
  • Insecurity about physical appearance
  • Puberty

 

There is pressure from various avenues to perform, complete, succeed, excel, strive, learn, make the right decisions, take the right classes, do the homework, study, achieve, try harder, do better, say the right thing, wear the right clothes, have the right hair, hang out with the right people, get out more, spend more time with family, stand up for yourself, stand up for others, cooperate, discover, be safe, take risk, read more, get into the right college, decide this decide that, be yourself, fit in, stand out – it’s exhausting just typing this! 

These factors can overwhelm an adult, let alone a young person who may not have the emotional maturity to understand what is happening to them or how to acquire mental health services. 

What role do parents play in this scenario? Do we unknowingly add to our children’s stress and anxiety? When parents hold reasonably elevated expectations, children have been shown to perform well. Communicating what we expect from our children shows them that we are interested, invested, and that we have confidence in their abilities. Making them aware of what we hope they will do gives them a sense of accountability.

However, when we require too much from our children it has a detrimental effect on them. Issues like perfectionism, anxiety, and depression can arise in children who have too much pressure on them. 

  • Unhealthy perfectionism can cause a deep dissatisfaction that permeates in almost all areas of life. In young adults, it has been linked to depression, cynicism, stress and anxiety. Teenagers who are perfectionists are tense individuals who fear trying new things and making a mistake.
  • Anxiety can manifest in a multitude of ways in young adults. It can affect their performance and ability to carry tasks through to completion. Teens struggling with anxiety can be short-tempered, have physical symptoms like stomach pain, or turn to substances to take the edge off. 
  • Teenagers who are depressed may lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed, withdraw from loved ones, and experience changes in eating and sleeping patterns. They may also have an all-encompassing feeling of sadness and difficulty concentrating.  

 

At my son’s eighth grade parent-teacher meeting his teacher was telling me all about his academic performance. She was showing me his math tests, his writing, his scores – until I stopped her and asked her, “Okay, but how is he doing as a person? Does he get along well with other kids? Is he kind?” The teacher, bless her, was at a loss for words. She told me I was the first parent who had ever asked her that! 

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Setting exceedingly high deliverables for teenagers can be harmful. This harm manifests, for example: 

  • when we place greater emphasis on performance – either in grades or sports – over their character development. 
  • when we give more importance to a rank on a standardized test than imbuing in them the qualities of empathy, social intelligence, and perseverance.
  • when we praise and acknowledge them only over a sports victory or a math test score. 
  • when we communicate to them indirectly – through what we want them to achieve – that they are only as good as their results. 
  • when we focus more on what they didn’t do, instead of communicating to them that we appreciate what they did do.

Trust mental health

So, what we should be focusing on for kids is good performance as it ties in to their own goals. They must hold themselves up to their own standards – they need to be internally motivated versus externally motivated or coerced.  Yes, kids want to please their teachers and make their parents proud – but what about being proud of themselves? Motivation and effort fueled by inner peace and fulfillment can yield fantastic results. 

 

But the biggest obstacle to motivation for teenagers is stress. And today, stress among young adults is alarmingly endemic. Stress drowns out a teenager’s inner voice. One of the main things in helping youth self-regulate, motivate and take care of themselves is their inner voice. The hope is that when they are young children, caregivers help them develop the tone and language for this voice, and that constructive language has been internalized by the time they are in high school. 

 

How can we help high schoolers grappling with stress and anxiety?

Along with considering help for their teen through mental health services, parents should actively engage in helping their children manage their stress and anxiety throughout the school year. A great way to do this is to join forces with teenagers and come up with creative solutions together. These collaborative methods will show children that they have support, that their parents care more about their well-being than grades, and that there are simple tools they can use to alleviate their burden.

 

Some of these tools include:

  • Keep them physically healthy – have healthy things they like to eat stocked up, and remind them to spend time outside. (This is a great opportunity to join them for a casual walk.) 
  • Ask them if they need help with anything, or if there is something they need to talk about.
  • Encourage them to continue their hobbies. 
  • Listen, listen, listen to them without judgment. 
  • Help them with time management.
  • Identify where and when there are opportunities for them to take time off and relax.
  • Monitor their moods. 
  • Help teenagers recognize their emotions and validate their feelings by naming and sharing your own feelings and taking theirs seriously. 
  • Learn about signs of depression, anxiety or mental health struggles in teenagers. 
  • Be aware of signs of substance abuse or eating disorders.
  • Be informed about mental health services in your area.
  • Normalize the conversation around seeking mental health services.
  • Practice parental optimism towards them, they need to know that you believe they can do it! 

 

Finally, parents must pay attention to how they manage their stress and anxiety, as children internalize and replay a lot of the behavioral cues we give them. Some things to consider:

 

  • Do you operate in a rushed, harassed manner? 
  • Does this trickle into your interactions with family and others? 
  • Do you model behaviors that come from a place of angst or calm? 
  • Are you respectful to yourself and your needs? 
  • Do you look after yourself? 
  • How do you act out your frustrations?

Stress and Anxiety

Remember, it’s one thing to tell a child you are there for them, but your relationship will be on a different level when your actions and presence fit your words. It can be useful for parents to recall what they were like as a teenager. This can take away some of the ‘me against you’ vibe in the relationship with your teen. Also, let go of things like their messy room, the haircut that is overdue, the dirty jeans. It is okay if these fall by the wayside, they don’t matter in the larger scheme of things and in the sphere of your child’s mental health. Once these small but potentially explosive conflicts are not in the way, the path towards authentic and aligned connection emerges.

We cannot control the problems our children will encounter, but we can arm them with tools and information on how to handle adversity. While this article focuses on how parents can be a source of comfort to their teenager who struggles with mental health, there is no substitute for mental health services. Therapists use a range of tools, specific to the issues that an individual is facing. For those teenagers who are uncomfortable meeting someone in person, there is also the option of telehealth, where they avail mental health services online. If you seek mental health services, Trust Mental Health can match you with a professional therapist who is available for online therapy. We offer extensive mental health services provided by therapists who come from a wide array of backgrounds and speak many languages. Set up a free consultation with us to learn more.