What happens when in a couple one has more desire than the other?
Internet dating search apps tend to match up like-minded people. Or at least have some common interests. That they like to exercise, watch the same type of series, travel or are animal lovers. Even with everything, the reality is that, with the passage of time, as you get to know that person more, you realize that you are not as similar as you thought. Differences arise, which in some cases spark the relationship and in others are irreconcilable. Something like that happens with sexual desire. At the beginning of the relationship it seems that just with a look you turn on the desire at the same time. But as time goes by, for some reason, the desire is no longer so synchronized.
Do all couples have differences in their desire?
When we perceive that one does not have the same desire as the other, we think that something is failing. It does not have to be this way. “I would say that it is rare that two people have exactly the same level of desire. Although, of course, we speak from the consolidation of the couple, after that first phase characterized by passion has elapsed”, clarifies the sexologist in Delhi Dr P K Gupta as a first point. Even, according to the expert, the end of the stage of falling in love may be the first moment in which the conflict arrives. “It is difficult for both members of the couple to ‘get out’ of that first phase of passion at the same time, which can also give rise to conflicts or problems in the relationship.”
That is another question. It may be that our desire was synchronized at one time and that, due to various circumstances, namely stress, different work schedules, etc., we are no longer in tune. Here, Dr P K Gupta, the best sexologist in Delhi, points out that “changing desires” are also common. “There are moments when everything aligns and both people have a similar desire, but the moment a factor comes into play that can influence one of the two, or both, the desire changes radically.”
Despite the fact that this is the reality of the vast majority of couples, the feeling we have is that the rest are much more involved than we are. Much of the blame lies with the pre-established idea of some statistics or surveys on the sexual frequency of Indians. In them, they usually talk about figures and averages that it seems that everyone follows. Thus, we feel strange if we are above, especially if we are below. “Socially it is established that, if you have a partner, it seems that you have to do it two or three times a week,” Dr Gupta insists. “What nobody talks about is how many of those two or three meetings are satisfactory. And this is where we have to focus.”
The myth that men have more desire than women
Another of the socially established facts is that they always feel like it and they always have a headache. As if desire were a matter of gender rather than people and circumstances. “It is a myth that derives from a whole series of clichés associated with gender roles,” adds sex specialist in Delhi. A myth that does not agree with the increase in cases of men who come to his office due to low desire despite the insistence of their partners.
“Desire is much more complex than it seems, and for this very reason it becomes one of the great couple problems. It influences everything that worries us, makes us uncomfortable, distracts us, fatigues us or pressures us. Children, work, family, or mental problems. Of course, communication, sexual satisfaction or quality time as a couple”.
It is true that these factors, or rather, the emotional burden and stress of them, have traditionally had a greater impact on women than on men. However, Dr P K Gupta points out that the main problem is not a lack of desire, but a coitocentric model of sexual relations that led to unsatisfactory sex. And nobody usually wants to repeat a dish that is eaten with disgust.
Based on the fact that in a matter of sex everything is generalization, currently women seem to have opened up to experiment and communicate more about sexuality. On the other hand, men seem to be subjected to a new pressure that has had an impact on their desire. “All that attention that has been given to man’s satisfaction is now a problem for him. The fact of always having to give the grade, having to always feel like it, having an erection and perfect ejaculation, holding on generates a lot of pressure… For men there are also factors that, if they are not taken care of and optimized, directly influence their desire sexual”, insists the sex doctor in Delhi.
How do we coordinate?
Bearing in mind that the difference in sexual desire seems inescapable, at least at some point in the relationship, perhaps the problem is that we lack tools to manage it. “Desire is not controlled at will,” insists Dr P K Gupta. For this reason “it may be important to emphasize that there is no intention to harm, it is important not to take it personally that our partner no longer wishes us in the same way as before.”
Having this clear, what is possible is to “promote situations that activate desire.” And it is that sometimes the desire does not come alone, you have to look for it. Just as we understand that other aspects of the couple have to be worked on over time, we think that when it comes to passion, everything has to be magical. Sometimes it is as simple as, in the maelstrom of the routine, taking time to have intimate moments with your partner and reconnect. Obviously it’s easier for something to come up if we’re cuddling on the sofa, than if everyone is in a corner with their mobile. It can also be easier to look for moments as a couple in which we are more relaxed than to leave it for the end of the day when we are more tired. All this always trying not to push too much. If that day we have met,
Although before all that, for sexologist doctor in Delhi, also, the first step in any sexual difficulty as a couple, involves first analyzing our own sexuality. Something that seems obvious and necessary before being able to share and communicate about it. “We have to work on being aware of all those factors that influence our sexual desire, and work on them so that they favor our libido,” concludes the best sexologist in Delhi. In the end, we must bear in mind that sexuality is something individual and as a couple we only share a part of it, and it is something that we must also keep in mind to reach agreements regarding the needs or points of view of each one.